Having consequences just doesn't seem fair...

Kiss It Goodbye Heels

I feel lost.

I came home last night and pretty much cried myself to sleep.  This disease is so completely disruptive to a person's life.  Tomorrow I will be having a difficult but much needed conversation with my doctor about my body requiring intervention.  I am not able to eat or drink the way that I need to in order for my body to remain properly hydrated and nourished.

I know what my body needs - but with it comes consequences.  If my doctor agrees and decides to begin TPN treatment - I will be walking around with an IV bag/machine.

That means pushing around an IV pole at work.

That means trying to figure out how to keep an IV bag suspended while driving.

That means grocery shopping with an IV pole.

That means any future vacations - with an IV pole.

That means I can no longer work at the front desk of the dojo.

This is what had me crying all night.  It's bad enough that I haven't been able to train in months and in reality, I most likely will never be able to train again.  Something which is hard to swallow (no pun intended).  I loved training - I miss training.  But I still felt connected because I was still at the school.  I was able to interact with the other adult students.  Joke around with the kids.  Torment my Sensei.  Now that is slipping through my fingers.  I can't stand at the desk with an IV pole - the adults for the most part, know what I am dealing with.  But as my Sensei pointed out, the kids would be freaked out.  I can't do that to them.

My daughter needs to continue her training.  So I will switch back to mom mode.  What I am afraid of is that I will be asked to sit in the back and watch her.  I can't run and hide from this disease.  If this becomes my new reality - than so be it.  I have no other choice but to have some type of intervention - my body is shutting down on me.  I have to readjust to whatever my new reality will be - and quite honestly, so do those around me.  If they don't want to - they don't have to.

But I am not planning on staying in my bed.  I still have a life to live - whether that includes an IV pole or not.  Unless my body cannot physically do it anymore - I plan on trying to maintain as much of a 'normal' life as possible.

I need tomorrow to be here already.  Heck, I think I will call this morning and see if he had any cancellations today.