Here's to the unknown...

Double Heels

It's not very often that I blog twice in one day - but I am exhausted and a lot on mind, so figured I would try to empty my brain a little bit in hopes of being able to sleep tonight.

Tomorrow is my doctor visit - and my nerves are starting to build.

I had called my doctor's office this morning and spoke with his assistant, in hopes that he would have had an opening today to see me.  Well as you can tell - he didn't.  So I spoke with her for a bit - shared with her what has been going on the last week or so since I spoke with her.  I told her that I needed him to intervene and do something.  That I can't handle the symptoms I am experiencing right now.  That I have had friends and family telling me how bad I look - that I should be going to the hospital - and their concern.  Shared with her that I have children and that I need to understand the process should the doctor decide to intervene tomorrow when I see him - so that I make sure I have everything planned out for them.

She wasn't able to provide me with medical advice during our conversation - but I didn't expect her to.  What she did do, was answer my questions.  She was patient and understanding that I am consumed right now with my life spiraling around me.  She also ended the conversation by telling me that I need to pack a bag and bring it down with me.

If my doctor decides to intervene tomorrow - it will require me to be hospitalized.  I have been in the hospital more times that I can even recall.  I've had doctors giggle when they ask how many surgeries I have had and tell them that there isn't enough room in their little box on their form.  I have been to the emergency room several times - and have grown accustomed to the local hospitals not knowing what's wrong with me and sending me home.  I have never really been nervous when at the hospital.  I usually just take my mind some place else.

But I am growing increasingly unsteady about tomorrow - the unknown of how my appointment is going to go. 

I am nervous that he won't intervene - it wouldn't be the first time that a doctor sent me home without addressing what was wrong with me. 

I am nervous that he will intervene - but not knowing what course he would take is what has me on edge.  I spent a portion of today ready blogs and researching information on the internet treatment options for people with gastroparesis.  There are feeding tubes that go up your nose and down your throat, feeding tubes that are done through a vein, feeding tubes that are done through a tube in your abdomen and so on.  There are special backpacks that you can manipulate to carry your nutrition set up - so you can be mobile and not have a pole (which I don't know why I didn't think of that this morning - you never see someone out and about with an IV pole).

It's the not knowing that has a firm grip on my brain right now, but in about 14 hours I should hopefully know what is going on.  Fortunately I will sleep (hopefully) about 8 of those hours away.

This journey is going to test me.  It's going to test my mental strength - in addition to my physical strength.  I can honestly say that I am not in a depression - at this point I think I am more angry.  Angry that yet again I have something wrong with me that can't be fixed.  Angry that I have a body which insists on treating itself like a toxic foreign substance.  Angry that I can't do the things that I want to do.

But I am trying to let that anger go - it's not going to do me any good.  I will call on it when I need it - like when I have to fight through a tough moment.

I should go to bed - I need to get some sleep, get the kids taken care of in the morning, fill up my tank in my car and pack my bag to take with me.  I will dream of strength - dream of relief - dream that hopefully one day a cure will be found for gastroparesis.