Brown Pumps
Deception.
I will preface that this is another blog posting about Gastroparesis and what I am dealing with right now - so if you are not interested, click the next blog button now please.
I have recently gotten back into blogging and right now am struggling with the reality I call my life - so I debated for a while tonight of whether or not to write while I am in this moment. My coping mechanism is to shut down. Block everyone out from having any influence on me coming to terms with what I am dealing with - not because I don't value their opinions, not because I don't trust that they love me - but because if I am to come to a place of acceptance, that is a journey I feel I need to go alone.
These past few days - I have put on a face. Put on a face that I was doing good - and until this afternoon, I didn't realize how far from that I actually was. I knew the thoughts of doubt were starting to creep into my mind - but I pushed them to the side and continued to focus on the other things in my life.
It is one thing to be deceptive to those around you - to stop the questions, to ease their worry, to try to forget what I am dealing with. The bigger problem comes when you are deceptive with yourself. I have been lying to myself these past few days and trying to tell myself that I am not terrified of my future.
As of right now the Botox isn't working. These past three days have been rough. My stomach being distended, my stomach not cooperating with anything I have tried to eat, being in pain - in my stomach and back, my body just hurts. I'm tired, my energy levels are shot, I've had a constant headache for the past few days, I feel dehydrated.
A conversation I had with somebody today - made me realize that my deception is not helping me. I need to be honest with what I am thinking and feeling - so that I can get right in my mind with what my future holds. I need my mind to be strong, so when the day comes that I am told we now need to look at invasive surgical procedures to intervene - that I am prepared for that moment, as best I can be, and I can deal with the emotions that are going to come with that reality.
I have been pretty in-tune with my body and health my whole life - when I sense something is wrong, I have been right - it just might take the doctors a little while to figure it out. I feel it in my soul that it is a matter of time before the surgery conversation occurs. The Botox cannot be done for the rest of my life - my body will stop reacting to it - just as it did the first lower dose Botox. When my body no longer recognizes this stronger version - I am out of options. My next plan will most likely include a j-tube once my body starts detiorating. Once I am tubed, unless they find a cure for Gastroparesis, that tube will stay with me.
I have stress now over my appearance and my protruding abdomen. How much stress will I have when my abdomen has tubes coming out of it? I have stress now about being around food. How much stress will I have when all of my 'food' goes through a tube?
I hate thinking about what ifs. My mind could go on and on. But guess what - my chances of getting tubed are higher than someone finding a cure or a new medication becoming available. Pharmaceutical companies are after the next blockbuster drug - so that means their research is focused on cancers, alzheimer's disease, depression, infections, rheumatoid arthritis, etc.
My mind could continue this blog all night. There are so many thoughts racing through my head as I am trying to deal with all of the emotions I am experiencing right now. My family is asleep now and my mind is in overdrive - I need to make it go to sleep.
I have nine days - nine days and I am to go back and see my doctor. Nine days that my mind is going to be all over the place. Nine days for me to try and settle my mind down. Nine days for me to be honest with myself and accept that I am going to have good and bad moments while on this journey. Nine days to further educate myself and prepare for my discussion with my doctor.
No quotes tonight - everything needs to come from my own head right now.
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